From Counselling to Mediation

One of the most meaningful engagements in my life was to have joined the Samaritans of Singapore ("SOS") back in the mid 90's.

After a long training which lasted for a year with interim assessments, I finally landed in the phone room, answering the SOS hotline. The people who called in were mostly emotionally or psychologically troubled. There were unmarried mothers, mental patients and those who were suffering from depression or entertaining suicidal thoughts. These conversations can be emotionally draining on those who do not have emotional temerity to cope with what counsellors term as "transferences", leaving them feeling down and out.

SOS gave me a steep learning curve and I drew valuable lessons from the unhappy experiences of the callers that shaped my outlook in life. It was also a tough period that strengthened my resolve to make time for those who need help. Running my legal practice in the day and attending to the hotlines at SOS was a big challenge. After the birth of my third child, I left SOS but the skills I acquired never left me. I consistently used them to influence the people around me to think and act positively. I found myself counselling clients and friends in relational issues. Once, I even spent nights on end counselling a couple who had young children studying in the same school as my children. They were at the verge of breaking up and days later patched up, keeping their family intact until this day.

Mediation in the courts began some 20 years ago. It started as a judge-dominated process and improved over time with the setting up of the Singapore Mediation Centre. There were training courses and accreditation was given to those who passed the relevant tests. By the time I decided to be accredited as a mediator, I was already armed with qualifications in psychology and clinical hypnotherapy. All these knowledge about the human mind gave me great advantage in mediation which I saw as another form of counselling.

I mediated at different venues for different types of disputes. From sibling disputes over parental care, neighbour disputes over noise, leakage, corridor obstructions and land encroachments to landlord-tenant issues, consumer disputes over slimming packages, time resorts, second-hand car purchases, renovation contracts, etc., mediation has expanded my insights into human interactions under various circumstances.

Everyone has a personality and how that personality is formed has many theories. Whatever those grand theories may be, no two persons are completely alike and we need to appreciate that there are differences between individuals. Understanding those differences is the key to understanding personal conflicts and how they can be resolved, minimised or avoided.

A little kindness can go a long way

It's Fathers' Day but whole families came to help in the distribution of rations organized by Project Awareness today. For the first time, the volunteers were brought along to help in buying the rations from NTUC. Almost entire shelves were cleared of the items needed and once the items were checked, packing began at the nearby void area. 

The children volunteers got busy doing their part in stuffing the bags with bread, biscuits, noodles and canned food. In the midst of packing, MP Baey Yam Keng and SDA's Desmond Lim dropped by for a surprise visit and showed their support. It is to the residents' benefit when political affiliations do not stand in the way of attending to their welfare. Indeed, that is the way forward to foster greater social unity, trust and respect.

100 bags of rations were prepared for distribution and most of these were distributed to the needy residents in two blocks of rental flats in Tampines. A regular volunteer, Belinda, volunteered to visit a resident in Hougang to pass him a bag of rations. We bid the volunteers a Happy Fathers's Day at the end of the Tampines event and went on to visit some residents in French Road, King George and Bendemeer.  Besides visiting their homes to pass them rations, we also handed out rations to some lonely elderly people on the streets. 

I received a warm welcome from everyone I meet. Even the children remember my name and do not shy away from me. It was exceptionally heartwarming when they call out to me "Mr. Tan" and then break out into their precocious smiles. It was time well spent on Father's Day.

Along the way to Bendemeer, I came across an elderly lady struggling to make her way up a gradual slope near the traffic junction. As I wheeled her along to the market where we were all heading, she told me she came from China 8 years ago and had broken her spine. She lives with her son who came here 11 years ago and works as a cook. Interestingly, she was making her way to the market to buy noodles to cook for her son despite her incapacity. It was a touching act of motherly love indeed.

At my last stop at Bendemeer Road, we visited a Malay family that was too poor to buy paint to do up their house for Hari Raya Puasa. Madam Faridah's husband works as a cleaner and has 4 children, 3 of whom are still schooling. The eldest child, a daughter, has been working part-time. Crying, she related to us her family's dire financial circumstances but what pains her most is that they cannot afford to paint their house to celebrate such an important Malay festival. 

Another resident at Bendemeer Road, 43 year-old Than, was lying in bed with his aged parents visiting. He is single and lives alone. He suffers from muscular dystrophy, a degenerative condition that worsened 8 years ago. He used to be a building technician but now sells tissues from his wheelchair. He is drawing down his CPF savings and is worried that it may not last him more than a year. Touch Community has been liaising with him via email but he said he is still trying to get them to rectify his particulars in their record and to provide some assistance to him.

The people who need help may not always know where or how to get help. Some may feel no one cares but Singaporeans are generous lot. They are just busy coping with the pace of living in Singapore but they are always ready to show a little kindness when there is an opportunity. Even on a Sunday and on Fathers' Day. We see that spirit of giving in our volunteers. Be it a kind word of encouragement or just extending a helping hand or providing resources, the volunteers all believe that a little kindness can go a long way.

Homeless Malay Boy with $7 left in his wallet

He left his family in Trengganu to work in Singapore. Only 18 years old, he was looking forward to supplement his family income. He is the only son in a family of 4 children and his father works as a driver. 

He paid an agent $3000 and landed a job in as a cashier in a food court in January. Soon, he found himself having to pay fot the cash shortfall resulting from his oversights. He was getting paid less than the $800 salary that he was supposed to be getting and took some money from the tills to top up his ez link card and to cover the shortfalls. He was arrested in May and spent 2 days in remand. Shortly after he was released on bail, his employer cancelled his work permit and evicted him from his lodging.

His bailor friend provided him with a place to shower but by 6 pm everyday, he has to leave before his friend's wife returns home. They are newly married and it was not appropriate for him to bunk in. So for the past couple of weeks, this boy has been sleeping everywhere and anywhere. One night, while he was sleeping out in the open at Siloso beach, someone stole his watch and ipad.

I met him at the foot of the block of flats where his friend lives. He looked lean and has been fasting. He speaks in English but slowly and told me that the police are still investigating his case.They have asked him to report next month and he has no income anymore. With only $7 left in his wallet, he does not know where his next meal will come from after that is spent. My friend Lai Lan, who brought his plight to my attention, has liaised with the Malaysian embassy but does not know if they have written yet to the police to expedite the case. She intends to follow up.

He says he has taken not more than $250 in total but his boss has forcefully taken $400 from his wallet before he was evicted. He felt helpless at the injustice he has suffered and hopes to go home as soon as possible. But he is now stuck between a rock and a hard place, with no job, no money and no roof over his head. At only 18 years old and marooned in a foreign land, one cannot help but feel sorry for him. And his parents would be worried sick.

The immediate concern was to provide him with shelter to keep him safe and warm. Nor Lella Mardiiiah, a volunteer with Project Awareness, kindly agreed to provide him shelter. But before leaving for the shelter, we brought him for dinner, shop for his toiletries and rations, top-up his mobile pre-paid card and pass him $50 cash. Having settled him in at the shelter I asked him to show me his family photo but unfortunately the only photo he has was in the ipad that was stolen from him. I told him to contact his parents and he could finally assure them that he was safe. 

After so many weeks, he finally has a fresh change of clothes and a bed to sleep in. Before leaving him at close to midnight, he shook my hands and I finally saw it. His big smile.